The Five People You Meet on Facebook.

This post is inspired by a status update from one of my high school friends that read, "If you were mean to me or ignored me in high school, why on Earth would I confirm your friend request?"

Excellent question.

Facebook is undoubtedly an amazing way to stay connected to people. It is especially useful for people like me whose friends and family are far flung. That said, like any cultural phenomenon, Facebook leads to some strange and uncomfortable reunions. So let's discuss the five most commonly annoying/bizarre/disturbing people you will meet on Facebook:

1. The former mean girl/guy: He stole your lunch money. She stole your boyfriend. It doesn't really matter how cool you were in high school, there was always someone there who wanted to make your life miserable. But now he/she is a grownup. He/She's changed! Oh, and he/she wants to be your "friend".

Bullshit.

This person is likely still a terrible human being and just wants to be able to poke around your pictures and see if you are hotter than he/she is.

This happened to me last month. I got a friend request from a high school classmate we'll call "Jack". The last interaction I had with "Jack" was ten years ago, when he and his evil girlfriend "Molly" three way called me and tried to trick me into admitting my secret desire to steal "Jack" from "Molly". I don't really care if "Jack" has since found Jesus, won a Pulitzer or delivered a baby in a taxi, to me he will always be the douche from high school who three-way attacked me.

Friend request? DENIED

2. The Attention Whore: She danced on tabletops at high school parties. He always has a story ready to one-up yours. Like a cockroach, the attention whore is impervious to hints and the Internet only makes him/her stronger. The Attention Whore posts inane status updates hourly and comments on every post in your news feed. To make matters worse, the Attention Whore likely suffers from low self esteem, which means that any attempt by you to block them will be met by many follow up friend requests.

You are powerless against the Attention Whore.

Friend request? DENIED THE FIRST 6 TIMES. THEN FINALLY ACCEPTED.

3. The Ugly Duckling Turned Swan (UDTS): She had braces, frizz and acne at graduation. He was the "husky" one of the bunch. In the years since high school they've befriended the treadmill, Proactiv & Botox and want you to know that YOU MISSED THE BOAT YOU SHALLOW BITCHES. The UDTS has entire photo albums devoted to his/her rock hard abs and probably a head shot. The UDTS also makes a habit of posts like "I heart spin class" or "Pain is weakness leaving the body".

The UDTS is likely single as their obsessive need to re-write their high school history has rendered them an emotional black hole.

Friend request? ACCEPTED. WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU'RE NOSY.

4. The Religious/Political Zealot: He found Jesus. She found Sarah Palin. The zealot uses Facebook as a twenty-four hour soapbox for various rants. You can expect lots of links to Fox News & MSNBC as well as videos of James Dobson telling you why God hates gay people. They also will ask you to support various causes like, "1,000,000 Strong That Believe Global Warming is a Myth" or "Yurts Rock!".

Be aware that very little of what the Zealot says is based in reality. Zealots do not like to be confused with facts.

Friend request? ACCEPTED, BUT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BLOCK THEIR FEED.

And finally...

5. The Family Member: Facebook changed when old people got involved. You used to be able to put up college pictures but now your mom is on Facebook. She doesn't want to know that you did your fair share of body shots on her dime while getting your B.A. in Communications. The Family Member also includes random relatives & Fourth cousins who want to get to the elusive 100th friend mark. The Family Member will comment on ANYTHING unsavory in your profile, so be alert. The Family Member will also at some point disclose something you didn't want to know about your Mom, so this is another time to take advantage of Facebook's various "block" functions.

Friend request? YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. IT'S YOUR FAMILY.

It really is a brave new world. I must go now. I have to go join "10,000 Strong for Feta" and "Aquarians for the Ethical Treatment of Badgers."

XOXO,