The sins of the father will be visited upon my hips.

I have a bone to pick with my parents.

My dad (a chef) & my mom (Italian) are amazing cooks. I grew up eating good food, round the clock. When I was four, my favorite food was clams & linguine, not Mac & Cheese. When you all were learning how to nuke yourself a Hot Pocket, I already had mastered an authentic Viennese Wiener Schnitzel with cucumber salad. I can safely assume I am one of only a handful of first graders that ever brought homemade falafel to school in a brown bag. (Side note: it is nearly impossible to trade a fried chickpea patty for a fruit roll up. I know from experience.)

By now you're asking yourself, what's the problem you endive eating elitist? (That's for you A) Well, when I was eating all this gourmet grub I was also surfing, swimming, biking, hiking, playing water polo & engaging in many other unsavory teenage habits that burn calories like a jackrabbit (sorry mom). These days I can barely huff & puff my way through the Kwando class at Bally's without passing out or reaching for a martini shaker. Turns out I didn't "have a fast metabolism" so much as I burned calories like a mofo for the better part of eighteen years.

Now that I no longer have the luxury of devoting my life to tanning & toning my bod, I have to make adjustments so that I don't wind up on Maury Povich with an 80 lb. two year old one day. So for now, I have bid adieu to potatoes & pasta, which is no small feat considering the blood in my veins is almost entirely Irish/Italian. I'm only consuming wine when it is ABSOLUTELY necessary (i.e. most days) and I'm dragging my lazy butt back to the gym five days a week (before I drink obviously). But just because I'm legally separated from my true love (cheese) doesn't mean I don't still fantasize about our sweet reconciliation. All of which leads to this week's installment of theoretical Thursday:

Assuming you sold your soul to the devil had the discipline of those soulless bitches in the Victoria's Secret catalogue, what would you eat if calories were of no concern to you?

Mine is sadly unoriginal, but I honestly would eat cheeseburgers all the time. I have never met a cheeseburger I didn't like. Carbs, cheese, meat all in one ingenious little package, served with the best side dish ever invented: the French fry. Deep fried starch...how I love thee. No matter what anyone says about the French, they invented the fry for which we should all be eternally grateful.

I swear I heard "Taps" playing the day I gave up fries. Vive la pomme frite. We will meet again.