Friday Free Association.

Because I am woefully low on inspiration these days, here's a roundup of things currently swirling around in my head:

1.REALITY BITES

If you care more about this relationship than your own, you need to back away from the scripted "reality" show and go get a life:



If you just asked yourself, "Who are these people?" good for you. You get a gold star and the pride of knowing that your brain is not in imminent danger of being turned to Spam. Apparently these two idiots are the latest couple to (gasp) split up after meeting on that usually reliable matchmaking tool known as "The Bachelor" (or as I like to call it, "A Case for Forced Sterilization").

It is not news that these people are breaking up. News is the 2 wars we are still endlessly engaged in. News is the oil that continues to gush into our Gulf Coast thanks to BP and the delusional "Drill Baby Drill" crowd. News is the fact that I am having an amazing hair day. What is NOT news is that 2 people who apparently are so fatally flawed that no one in real life wanted to date them had to go on television and act out some bizarre new age mating ritual where 6 weeks and a Malibu beach house apparently lead you to your "soul mate". These people suck. TV sucks. And if you are scouring the interwebz for info on what led to the dissolution of their union, then I think you suck too.

2. ENOUGH WITH THE VAMPIRES.

If it's not True Blood, I just don't care. Case in point:

Hot Swedish Vampire whose name includes too many consonants to type? EXCELLENT:

I would definitely let this man bite my neck. (And I'm not normally into that sort of thing.)

Pale, moody, teeny bop Vampire with codependency issues and bad hair? NOT EXCELLENT:

This guy looks like he needs a bitch slap. And a sandwich. I do not appreciate a man with nicer cheekbones than me.

3. THERE ARE INDEED STUPID QUESTIONS

One of the more bizarre things about being pregnant is the total lack of boundaries that once polite people will exhibit upon finding you in "the family way." Here are some of the wildly inappropriate questions I've been asked by seemingly normal people, and the unique responses I've formulated for them:

"Was your pregnancy planned?"
No, but thank God we're married so she won't be a bastard!

"I didn't know you were trying!"
Oh shoot, you must not have been on the e-mail distribution list for the "Valentine Sex Schedule" that I sent out to everyone. We'll get you next time.

"Did Mr. Val want a boy?"
Yes, we're very concerned about who will assume his throne now.

"Did I tell you about my [insert horrible labor, delivery, breastfeeding, recuperation story here]?"
I do not want to know about your episiotomy. I do not want to know that your placenta had to be delivered out your anus. I do not want to know that your baby's poop looked like beans for the first month. Whatever lies ahead for me and my cervix, stomach, brain & sense of smell I will find out on my own, thankyouverymuch.

"Can I rub your belly?"
Only if I can rub yours first.

XOXO,