Friday, February 18, 2011

A day in the life.

6:00 AM: Wake up. Barf/Fart/Burp/Poop or all three. Yell at mom for some boob. Get said boob. Barf/Fart/Burp/Poop again. Have mom change diaper & put me in the first outfit of the day.

6:00-7:00 AM: Yell & flail about happily while daddy makes funny faces. Contemplate pooping again. Look in that reflective thingy and wonder who that cool baby is and why there are 2 mommas. This world is blowin' my mind.

7:00 AM: Kiss mommy & daddy goodbye. Try to barf on them so they remember me all day. Flail about happily in grandma's arms. Look generally adorable.

8:00: AM: Get in swing. Stare at the lambs that keep moving in a circle above me. Wonder where they are trying to go and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

10:00 AM: What the hell happened? Why am I still swinging and WHY ISN'T THERE A NIPPLE IN MY MOUTH.

11:15 AM: Phew. Portable nipple put in my mouth. Crisis averted.

11:30 AM: Barf/Fart/Burp/Poop, preferably all over myself. Enter outfit #2.

12:00 PM: Lay down on floor with grandma and try to roll over. Almost got it...success! Wait, how did I get on my back? I think I'll fart and barf again until it all makes sense. Cue outfit number 3.

12:30 PM: Emergency: Grandma has pinned my arms down and put me in a straight jacket. I'm in a weird cage like contraption and a giant sheep is making whale sounds above my head and I totally don't get it and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

2:00 PM: How do they keep tricking me into sleeping? Time to yell. NEED MORE BOOB. Mom's not here so how does grandma keep giving me her milk? I'll ask the lambs.

4:00 PM: At grandma's house. She keeps bringing me over here and putting me in another cage like thing with a giraffe that makes chirping sounds and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

5:00 PM: NARDS! They tricked me again. I'll show them...blowout+spitup=Sadie's revenge. I was getting sick of that outfit anyway.

6:00 PM: Doorbell. I'll get it. Wait, I can't walk. In walks....MOMMY & DADDY! YAY! I'm so excited I can't decide whether to laugh or cry! How about a little of both? Wait, what the...they're strapping me down again? This time in a chair? Now we are in the giant bouncy seat that moves and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

6:30 PM: They're sneaky, I'll give them that.

7:00 PM: Why I am I naked? I'm naked and being put in this warm, soapy bowl that feels AWESOME. So awesome I think I'll pee in it. There is a whale that spits water at me and we talk a little bit. I tell him about my day and how weird it was. He totally gets me. Good listener.

7:20 PM: Wait...this feels good, why are they taking me out? I think I'll voice my displeasure. No, I don't want to put a diaper on! LET ME BE FREE WOMAN. Hear comes the jammies. I scream a bit for good measure but truthfully, I kind of like jammies. They keep my feet so warm.

7:30 PM: No no, not the baby straight jacket! I'll be good, I swear! I'm so mad, can't you tell by all the YELLING AND SCREAMING??? Why won't you help me dude? You just keep walking and shushing and rocking me and it's getting darker and maybe this isn't so bad and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Tricky bastards. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.



Monday, February 7, 2011

The big 3-Oh!

Pop Quiz:

We know Val is old because:

a.)She spent last Friday night purchasing life insurance and setting up her kid's college fund.
b.)She had Mr. Val make her a cocktail on Saturday at 9:00, drank 3 sips and fell asleep by 9:15.
c.)It took her 3 sittings to watch "Inception" because she kept falling asleep.
d.)She routinely wakes her sleeping baby with her loudly cracking joints.
e.)She turns 30 this week

And the correct answer is....ALL OF THE ABOVE. Allow me to elaborate.

a.) As I mentioned last week, we bought a new ride, which requires the obligatory new ride insurance. When we called our Allstate guy (Mark) to update our policy, he casually mentioned that Allstate also does financial planning. Who knew. This led to a date with Todd, our NEW Allstate guy. Rather, our second Allstate guy. Mark is our car/renters insurance guy while Todd is now our life insurance/financial planning guy. It's a "Menage-a-Trois" of insurance and the Valentine family.

Anyway, Todd came over on Friday to talk about the dizzying array of ways Allstate can take your money. We laughed, we drank (soda) and by the end of the night Allstate now has an extra $100/month of my moolah and my kid should be totally set to go to the community college of her dreams. (I kid I kid.) Mr. Val and I are just one physical away from having a cool $2M worth of life insurance on each other. So ironically, just as Sadie is starting to sleep longer I'm sleeping with one eye open and Mr. Val now worries that my love of true crime shows has turned from entertainment to research. But anyone who's watched a Law & Order marathon knows that you don't get the money if you are involved in a homicide. Duh. That's why you can't get caught.


b.) Conversation between me and Mr. Val.

Me: "Babe I want to have some drinks tonight!"
Mr. Val (elated that I'm trying to be fun): "Really? Ok I'll go to the store!"
Goes to the store and comes back with cocktail fixins'.
Mr.Val (at approximately 9:00 PM):Here's your cocktail honey!
Me: "Thanks!"
An undisclosed amount of time elapses
Mr.Val: Honey wake up, let's go to bed.
Me: What time is it?
Mr.Val: It's midnight. You fell asleep.
I look at the coffee table and see my barely touched cocktail and rub my eyes.
Me: I'll be fun again one day honey, OK?
Mr. Val: Sure you will honey. Don't forget your bra. (I apparently take it off while sleeping. Interesting.)

c.)"Inception" is a super cool movie. I think. It is SUUUUUUUUUUUUPER long though. I'm not sure I would have made it in one sitting even if I wasn't horribly sleep deprived. I'm going to try to watch it again one day once Sadie sleeps. Maybe then I'll figure out what the hell the movie was about.

d.)After a marathon session of rocking, nursing, walking and singing I finally had my little angle baby sound asleep. I placed her gently in her cradle, stroked her sweet face and turned to leave the room at which point my knee and toes cracked so loud that she woke right up. There is really nothing more to this story except to say that getting old sucks.

e.)So we get to the crux of my ramblings. I'm turning 30 this week. If you are clever you now understand why my nickname is Valentine. Now promise me you won't google me, come to my house and try to wear me like a woman suit, mkay?

I used to think this birthday would scare me, but after the birth of my daughter I realize that my life just keeps getting better, so I'll take all the additional years I can get. Since I got to scratch "Have the world's cutest kid" off my bucket list, here is the Valentine Amended Bucket List of 2011:

1. Play Monopoly with real money
2. See a title fight at Caesar's Palace in Atlantic City
3. Go to the Grand Canyon
4. Go to the Superbowl
5. Go on a Safari
6. Have a picnic under the Eiffel Tower
7. Learn to garden
8. Go to Tokyo and stay in the "Lost in Translation" hotel
9. Buy my husband season tickets to the White Sox
10. Own a true piece of art
11. Do all I can to make my daughter's dreams come true

If the next 30 years are half as good as the first, I think I'm one lucky gal.