Just call me Grace.

I should preface by saying that I wasn't the most coordinated gal to begin with, but pregnancy has really brought out the klutz in me. I walk into things regularly and spill at virtually every meal. I'm not really sure what that's about, perhaps some clever quirk of evolution to prepare me for the tornado of boo boos & spills that children bring?

I really outdid myself last night though. Our otherwise perfect dog Beans has a nasty habit of splashing water EVERYWHERE when she drinks. I walked through the kitchen to kiss Mr. Val and slipped in a puddle of said splashy water and went down HARD. I somehow managed to defy the laws of physics/gravity by simultaneously doing the splits and hitting the top of my knee on a cabinet. Being the uber tough broad that I am, I burst into hysterical tears right there on the floor. Poor Beans was scared shitless and ran upstairs to shake in the corner while Mr. Val scooped me up and did his best Florence Nightingale impression.

Then I started to panic because baby Sadie, who moves so much I swear there is a 2nd baby in there, stopped moving. This caused me to cry even more because I convinced myself I'd knocked my precious baby unconscious. Mr. Val made several very compelling arguments as to why it was highly unlikely that I'd given her an in utero concussion, but asked if I'd like to go to the hospital just in case. I gave it some thought but then realized that turning up to the hospital and saying, "Hi. I slipped on a patch of black ice in my own kitchen and now I think I've given my fetus a head wound" would probably have earned me a trip to the psych ward, I decided to just go to sleep instead.

I woke up this morning to Sadie's daily Judo chop session and a serious bruise on my knee and ego. Needless to say I think I can officially rule out a second career in ballet.

XOXO,

The Five People You Meet on Facebook.

This post is inspired by a status update from one of my high school friends that read, "If you were mean to me or ignored me in high school, why on Earth would I confirm your friend request?"

Excellent question.

Facebook is undoubtedly an amazing way to stay connected to people. It is especially useful for people like me whose friends and family are far flung. That said, like any cultural phenomenon, Facebook leads to some strange and uncomfortable reunions. So let's discuss the five most commonly annoying/bizarre/disturbing people you will meet on Facebook:

1. The former mean girl/guy: He stole your lunch money. She stole your boyfriend. It doesn't really matter how cool you were in high school, there was always someone there who wanted to make your life miserable. But now he/she is a grownup. He/She's changed! Oh, and he/she wants to be your "friend".

Bullshit.

This person is likely still a terrible human being and just wants to be able to poke around your pictures and see if you are hotter than he/she is.

This happened to me last month. I got a friend request from a high school classmate we'll call "Jack". The last interaction I had with "Jack" was ten years ago, when he and his evil girlfriend "Molly" three way called me and tried to trick me into admitting my secret desire to steal "Jack" from "Molly". I don't really care if "Jack" has since found Jesus, won a Pulitzer or delivered a baby in a taxi, to me he will always be the douche from high school who three-way attacked me.

Friend request? DENIED

2. The Attention Whore: She danced on tabletops at high school parties. He always has a story ready to one-up yours. Like a cockroach, the attention whore is impervious to hints and the Internet only makes him/her stronger. The Attention Whore posts inane status updates hourly and comments on every post in your news feed. To make matters worse, the Attention Whore likely suffers from low self esteem, which means that any attempt by you to block them will be met by many follow up friend requests.

You are powerless against the Attention Whore.

Friend request? DENIED THE FIRST 6 TIMES. THEN FINALLY ACCEPTED.

3. The Ugly Duckling Turned Swan (UDTS): She had braces, frizz and acne at graduation. He was the "husky" one of the bunch. In the years since high school they've befriended the treadmill, Proactiv & Botox and want you to know that YOU MISSED THE BOAT YOU SHALLOW BITCHES. The UDTS has entire photo albums devoted to his/her rock hard abs and probably a head shot. The UDTS also makes a habit of posts like "I heart spin class" or "Pain is weakness leaving the body".

The UDTS is likely single as their obsessive need to re-write their high school history has rendered them an emotional black hole.

Friend request? ACCEPTED. WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU'RE NOSY.

4. The Religious/Political Zealot: He found Jesus. She found Sarah Palin. The zealot uses Facebook as a twenty-four hour soapbox for various rants. You can expect lots of links to Fox News & MSNBC as well as videos of James Dobson telling you why God hates gay people. They also will ask you to support various causes like, "1,000,000 Strong That Believe Global Warming is a Myth" or "Yurts Rock!".

Be aware that very little of what the Zealot says is based in reality. Zealots do not like to be confused with facts.

Friend request? ACCEPTED, BUT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BLOCK THEIR FEED.

And finally...

5. The Family Member: Facebook changed when old people got involved. You used to be able to put up college pictures but now your mom is on Facebook. She doesn't want to know that you did your fair share of body shots on her dime while getting your B.A. in Communications. The Family Member also includes random relatives & Fourth cousins who want to get to the elusive 100th friend mark. The Family Member will comment on ANYTHING unsavory in your profile, so be alert. The Family Member will also at some point disclose something you didn't want to know about your Mom, so this is another time to take advantage of Facebook's various "block" functions.

Friend request? YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. IT'S YOUR FAMILY.

It really is a brave new world. I must go now. I have to go join "10,000 Strong for Feta" and "Aquarians for the Ethical Treatment of Badgers."

XOXO,

Just call me Grace.

I hate the word clumsy. It sounds so benign, like, "She's cute! And clumsy! No big deal!" Except it is a big deal when you are clumsy, like me. I am constantly falling down, running into things, stubbing my toe, bonking my head, you name it, I'll smack it on an inanimate object. Normally they are little bumps and bruises but every now and then I really get the job done. Like yesterday when I, wait for it:

Fell up the stairs.

Yep. You read it right. I fell UP the stairs. No easy feat, unless you are as similarly clumsy as I am. It's totally my karma for being such a controlling, obsessive neat freak. I was running around doing chores way too fast. I was walking upstairs with the laundry basket and just biffed it majorly. I slammed into the stairs and then fell down.

I, being the baby that I am, promptly burst into tears that Jakey came and licked away. Once I was done howling like a baby I surveyed the damage. A broken toenail, a bruise the size of a grapefruit on my shin, a knee that won't bend more than 45 degrees and an ass that is sore from tumbling down 2 stairs onto the hard tile.

So now I'm on near fatal doses of Advil, have a heating super glued to my knee and the hubs is ever so kindly taking care of dinner & cleaning.

Apparently being clumsy does have some advantages.

Two Things I Think I Think.

1. If you are unaware that you are carrying a child until it falls out of you, you are probably not well suited to parenthood.

2. This is not good entertainment. It's a modern day freak show like the rest of reality TV.

I'm not going to lie, I have been hypnotized by the train wreck that is "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" on TLC. Not because I'm some reality show junkie, but because I cannot for the life of me fathom carrying around a PERSON inside me for 9 months only to be SHOCKED when it frees itself from my loins.

The best part of this show is the "in retrospect" segment. They always go something like this: "In retrospect, the insatiable appetite for anchovy eclairs was a little odd," or "I thought I had gas, you know, the kind of gas that feels like a tiny little person is kicking you from the inside".

And I can't figure out what is worse, the seemingly infinite pool of women who have no clue they're incubating a human being or TLC for pretending this is something we should all be watching.

That's all for today. I've got to go eat some chocolate coated pickles. (Just kidding mom.)