Who the hell needs teeth anyway?

F*ck teeth.

Or more specifically, f*ck baby teeth.

We were just cruisin' along, feelin' badass because Sadie is awesome and sweet and happy and sleeps through the night (big ups to YOU Dr. Ferber)and then BAM!

Teeth.

And not just one or two or even three...SIX.

SIX MOTHER EFFIN BABY TEETH AT ONCE.

And now my sweet girl is like a mix of Damien from the Omen, Linda Blair from the Exorcist, Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka on a speedball bender.

Ok, she's not that bad. She still is pretty much the cutest kid ever and sweet as pie but her sleep has gone to shit. I'm up everyday between 4-5 AM pumping her full of Motrin and reverting to the old days where I tried to induce coma with my magical breasts. Dr. Ferber's about to come in her and kick my lazy ass but he can suck it. I've gotten used to sleeping through the night. I can't go back to that place.

In a moment of sleep deprived delirium I started thinking about how stupid it is for a baby to even get teeth. It's not like I've been all, "Hey Sadie, I'd sure love to feed you baby back ribs and beef jerkey. If only you had some chompers." The kid eats fricken mashed up apples, cheerios and cheese cubes for God's sake. That lady from Hoarders who lost her dentures in her trash pile could survive on Sadie's diet. Then I started thinking, shit, most of the BEST foods don't require teeth.

1. Ice cream
2. Soft cheeses
3. Creme brulee
4. Mashed potatoes
5. Chocolate souffle (or any souflee really)

So there you have it. I'm banging the gavel and saying no more teeth.

Oh, and I have to give a shout out to Mr. Val for getting a new job and kickass raise. Lord knows we need it, someone's gonna have to pay for all this Brie & Creme Brulee.

XOXO,

To bend or not to bend. That is the question.

When I used to think of having a baby, I'd always leap to the actual birthing process and shudder. I used to think that I'd never have the cajones to push a human being through my loins. That all started to change around the time that I couldn't see my toes anymore. Here is a list of things that I can no longer do without assistance:

-Put lotion on my legs below the knee
-Put on underwear (caveat: I actually can put on underwear, it's just not guaranteed to be on the right way unless Mr. Val helps. Just last week I realized about 3/4 through the day on Thursday that I'd been wearing my underpants inside out all day.)
-Buckle/Tie shoes
-Paint my toenails

I also am finding shaving incredibly difficult but my foolish pride is standing in the way of asking for assistance. I'd like for there to be SOME mystery left between my husband and I, even if it has led to some patchy shave jobs as of late.

The other big issue at this stage is bending over, which for a klutz like me, has led to a few existential crises as of late. Case in point:

The Vending Machine Incident:

One of the more recent food items I've gotten addicted to is Raisinets. I've always liked them, but I stone cold LOVE them now. It's great because the raisins counteract the chocolate and the vending machine at work stocks them and lets face it, Raisinets are like the last thing to sell out of a vending machine. I'm the only one who buys them willingly, the only other time they get picked is when the machine is all out of other candy.

But I digress.

Anyway, today I was waddling down the hall to get my Raisinet fix when the unthinkable happened. I dropped my damn quarter and it rolled partially under a cabinet. I stood in the hall for a minute weighing my options. I could:

a.)Bend down and get it and pray to the baby Jesus that I don't fall over/split my pants/pass out from sheer exhaustion
b.)Waddle back down to my desk and get the dollar that is hanging out in my purse for emergencies such as this
c.)Forget about it completely, you don't need Raisinets anyway
d.)Stand there until someone passes, at which point rub my belly and look sad and hope they offer to pick up my quarter

I actually thought long and hard about option d., but I'm not the world's most patient person. I was about to go for b., when the voices in my head started trying to convince me that bending over isn't really that bad and I should just get my lazy pregnant ass down there and pick up my quarter. So, I went with a., which involved me bending at the knees as low as possible and running my fingers under the cabinet until I felt the sweet, chocolate producing metal rim of my quarter. Right as I was about to grab it, the worst possible thing that could have happened, did.

A throng of co-workers round the corner just in time to see me writing around on the floor, my pregnant ass huffing and puffing for a stupid quarter. This being a particularly chivalrous group of young men, they approached and asked if they could help me up, did I fall, yada yada yada, to which I mumbled that I had just dropped my quarter and I was OK and thanks and have a nice day. It would be fine if this were the end of the story, but nooooooo. Apparently my karmic balance sucks b/c as I head to the vending machine I realize that they are headed that way too.

Did I mention it's 10:00 AM in the morning?

The first guy gets trail mix, quite possibly the only thing in the vending machine less popular that Raisinets. The second guy gets pop tarts, classic morning choice, and the third guy gets some cookies. I'm feeling better because lets be honest, Raisinets are way better than Pop Tarts or Cookies, so I put in my money and make my selection, arriving at that blissful moment when you get exactly what you want out of life. I started to waddle back to my desk when I hear, "Rasinets huh? My mom loves Raisinets."

Sigh.

There are only so many indignities a gal can take, before she is capable of things never before possible. Which is why I am no longer terrified of childbirth. The prospect of a life without seeing my toes or shaving my entire calf without incident is much more terrifying than labor.

Until then I'll keep weighing my options when I drop stuff...anything over $5 I will probably huff and puff my way down to the floor for, under that all bets are off.

Those were some damn good Raisinets though.

XOXO,

Let's play a game.

This game pertains to the original Valentine fur-children. If you haven't been formally introduced, I give you Beans:



And Jake:


The game is called, "What haven't Bailey and Jake eaten?" and the choices are as follows:

a.) an entire avocado, including the skin but excluding the pit
b.) an entire bowl of marshmallow fluff dip
c.) half a chocolate malt
d.) plate of caprese salad
e.) a copy of the novel, "Marley and Me"
f.) CD's
e.) a remote control
g.) Drywall
h.) this is a trick question, they've clearly eaten all of the above

I think you know the answer, as a point of fact the chocolate malt was devoured today by the precious Beans who looks a little green following her successful coup d'ice cream.

Sigh. They let people like me have children???

Wish me luck, I'm no doubt in store for a few fun walks.

XOXO,

Talk gouda to me baby.

Since I remain on the hunt for new and inventive "theme" days, welcome to the first installment of Fromage Fridays, a new an exciting series where I highlight a particularly sexy cheese. We begin with Shropshire Blue which can be ogled below (cue the slow jam):



That rind. Those blue streaks. That beautiful throbbing...never mind.

In case you thought I was joking, I love cheese. When I broke up with my high school sweetheart, my best friend didn't bring over Ben & Jerry's, rather a baguette, wheel of Camembert & fig jelly. (Try it, it will make you believe in God.) The cheese above is a wonderful departure from regular Stilton or Blue, stronger in flavor & less nutty. It can be bought via the wonderful people at Artisan Cheese, available at http://www.artisanalcheese.com/.

This is a lovely cheese for the end of a meal, it likes long walks on the beach, the Sweet Valley High series of books and dogs that don't bark. Oh yeah.

No Soup for You!

Just kidding. You can have all the soup you want my pets.

Growing up, I ate the typical California fare: lots of fish, fruit, veggies & Baja style Mexican food round the clock. I ate the obligatory In-n-Out burger obviously, but maintained a largely healthy So-Cal food lifestyle. About 5 minutes into my first Midwest winter, I become keenly aware that my new climate required some heartier fare. All the sudden I wanted, no needed, to eat things like meatloaf and mac'n'cheese and ribs and did I mention meatloaf? 6 years after I packed my life into my little red Jetta, me and the Midwest have kicked that former iron deficiency's ass.

You can only consume so much beef & whiskey though until you are slapped with the reality that you are going to need to be fork lifted out of your apartment one day if you don't throw some veggies down your gullet. So, in an effort to feed both my husband's Midwestern appetite and my need to not ever wear an elastic waistband, here is the super easy, super delicious, super healthy soup I made last night. It is adapted from a Food & Wine recipe and is a perfect meal for a snowy pre-Christmas night:

Spicy Kale Chowder with Andouille Sausage:
Ingredients:
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
9 garlic cloves, minced
2 large onions chopped
2 tablespoons minced fresh ginger
1 lb. Andouille sausages, slices 1/4 inch thick
28 oz. can of Italian tomatoes, chopped, juices reserved
3 quarts stock (either homemade turkey or chicken or low sodium store bought)
3/4 lb. Kale stems & ribs discarded, leaves coarsely chopped (I used green & purple Kale, it was gorgeous)
1 can of cannelinni beans, drained and rinsed
Salt & Pepper

Directions:
Heat the olive oil in a large soup pot. Add the garlic and onions and cook over moderate heat, stirring occasionally, until softened, about 12 minutes. Add the ginger and andouille and cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the tomatoes and their juices; bring to a boil. Add the stock, beans and kale; return to a boil.

Reduce the heat to moderate and simmer the soup until the kale is tender, about 10 minutes. Season the soup with salt and pepper and serve, or let cool and freeze.

OK, so I know that sausage isn't particularly healthy, but look at the rest of it! Tomatoes! Kale! Beans! Ginger! You'll love it, your husband will love it and your ass will thank you.

My Super Duper Post Thanksgiving Workout

1. Get up at 11:36 AM (still technically morning)

2. Put on workout clothes/shoes (the cuter the better)

3. Grab husband and dogs

4. Walk for 100 yards, run for 30 (repeat for roughly an hour)

5. Stop by your most favorite coffee shop in the world and get a latte (skim of course) and a Spinach-Feta cheese quiche (um...sure, this is skim too)

6. Amble home at a snail's pace...

...and watch the pounds melt away!

WARNING: Crack Dip is not to be taken intravenously.

2 posts in one day, I feel so productive! This is another recipe post due to MULTIPLE requests for the crack dip recipe. For the layman, crack dip is a deconstructed buffalo chicken wing. (How American!)

I take no credit for this recipe, it comes straight from my mother in law who in addition to being gorgeous and smart also boasts a well stocked liquor cabinet and an endless supply of awesome appetizers. Here it is in all it's glory:

Ingredients:
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
1 cup ranch dressing
1/2 cup Frank's Red Hot Sauce
3/4 or 1 cup shredded chicken (you can use canned chicken, store bought Rotisserie chicken or cook some skinless chicken breasts)
Blue Cheese crumbles

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Combine cream cheese, ranch, hot sauce & chicken and mix well
Bake at 350 for 20-30 minutes
Top with blue cheese crumbles
Serve with tortilla chips & celery sticks

*Healthier options: I lighten this up (slightly) by using reduced fat cream cheese & ranch, skinless white meat chicken & serving with baked tortillas chips. No one has ever noticed the difference. (When you live in Bears country you have to cut calories wherever possible!)

NO ACTUAL CRACKHEADS WERE HURT IN THE MAKING OF THIS RECIPE.

Total Request Live: Recipe Edition

After my football post I had some requests to share recipes, so here is the first of many to come:

Hummus:
It's a bit counter intuitive for me to post a recipe for hummus b/c I don't really use one. My dad taught me how to make it when I was a kid and at this point I don't really measure anything out. I did make a batch though and tried to get a handle on approximate measurements for reference. It's an imperfect science, so add things to suit your taste.

Ingredients:
2 cans garbanzo beans/chickpeas drained and rinsed
2/3 cup tahini (can be found at ethnic markets or Whole Foods)
1/3 -1/2 cup fresh lemon juice
1/2 cup water (more as needed to thin out)
1/4 cup olive oil (more as needed to thin out)
2-3 garlic cloves smashed
Salt/Pepper/Paprika to taste

Directions:
In a food processor, combine garlic, beans, tahini, lemon juice, water and olive oil. Process until smooth. Check the texture and thin out as needed with more lemon juice, olive oil and/or water. Add salt/pepper/paprika to taste.

This will make a sizable batch. It keeps well in the fridge and can be thinned out as needed throughout the week. It's an incredible cost effective dish to make at home b/c all the ingredients are cheap or pantry staples.

You can also add layers of flavor with whatever you like, roasted peppers, jalapenos, sun-dried tomatoes, basil, etc.

Hope you try it!

Are you ready for some football??

Just because me and Mr. Valentine's football teams suck, doesn't' mean we still don't love watching football. We just pretend to be Steeler or Saints fans like the rest of the country. Anyhoo, since our fabulous BFF's C & V are coming over, the meal is a little more substantive than normal, but still perfect fall football food. So here we go:

Blood Orange Mimosas (for the ladies)
Beer (for the dudes)
Em's homemade hummus & pita
Buffalo Chicken Dip (aka "Crack Dip")
Chopped Caprese Salad
Spicy Pork Po' Boys with pickle mayo
Buckin's Cajun Potato Salad

I love Sundays, lets all keep our fingers crossed that next year the Bears & Raiders don't suck.