Saturday, April 24, 2010

Stream of Consciousness Saturdays

Since I'm in a particularly James Joyce-ey mood today, I've decided jot down some random thoughts that are flitting in and out of my mind today. I'm not going to make Stream of Consciousness Saturdays a regular thing, since I don't want you all to run screaming from my blog with spoons in your ears. Let's begin.

1. I really like that commercial where the hamsters are driving and rockin' out to a funk song. I like it so much so that I used my Shazaam app on the iPhone to find the song, which if your interested is called "Fort Knox" by the Goldfish. If your wondering, yes, I purchased it and now hear it when I run on the treadmill.

2. I think that the cast members of The Hills, Jersey Shore, The Real World and all the Real World bastard child shows, Wife Swap and every incarnation of the Real Housewives franchise should be rounded up and dropped off on a deserted island for a survival competition. None of the pansy shit they do on Survivor though. I want this to be a combination of Lord of the Flies and Lost. I also secretly hope that they'd have to resort to eating each other to stay alive. I vote you eat Heidi Montag first. Not because she'd be a good meal, just because her new face freaks me out.

3. Reduced Fat Cheese makes absolutely no sense. Period.

4. I think I may need to get a second job to support a growing addiction to baby shoes.

That's it for today. Hope your weekend is off to a great start!


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Up the Duff.... a delightfully tacky British turn of phrase for pregnant.

Which I am.

This is another mea culpa for my erratic blogging as of late, but it's hard to come up with pithy comments about cheese when all I can think about is the tiny succubus that's currently residing in my womb.

I have no intentions of turning this into a pregnancy blog as I think most of them are boring and I'm certainly going to stay my cheese eating, wine swilling self...just in mom form. And no, I'm not drinking wine while pregnant. My desire for a baby without gills trumps my lust for the Jesus juice.

That said, it's a pretty major life change so I'll obviously give you the highlights here, but none of the gross stuff, b/c some stuff should just be locked away and suppressed, never to be exposed save for the safe haven of a psychotherapist's office.

There is the standard list of knocked up questions with my not so standard responses:

Weight Gain/Loss: I'll never tell, but I can tell you it's not that bad. Despite the fact that I ate grilled cheese sandwiches exclusively for a week.
Maternity clothes: not yet, though I am scouring websites to find cute ones that don't cost a fortune.
Stretch Marks: no and I plan to do anything, including drink the blood of virgins to avoid them. I am hoping my mom's kick ass genetics come into play here.
Sleep: is the new sex.
Movement: at my last u/s babyVal was moving around like a maniac, which I clearly can't feel at this point. This worries me as it indicates a crazy baby is on the way. Karma really kicks you in the ass,no?
Food cravings/aversions: cravings have been all over the place. Some days fruit, some days cheeseburgers. The most obvious symptom is that I am utterly susceptible to suggestion. If I see someone eating a turkey sandwich, I want a turkey sandwich. The other day a colleague of mine was eating sushi, which I can no longer can eat. I almost cried. Bitch.
Gender: I suspect girl. Mr. Valentine suspects boy, though I assume this isn't so much a suspicion as a desire to reenact the "Wanna have a catch?" scene from Field of Dreams.
What I miss: staying up past 9:30.
Best moment this week: seeing babyVal moving around at the doctor.

So that's it for now. I promise to never veer into STFU Parents territory and to always maintain my rapier wit. You just have to promise to love me when I cry and give in when I demand pickles.